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Just Start.

This is the first sentence of my first blog. I’m sure a lot of people have started their blogs out this way and then erased it when they went thru the editing process. I’m not going to be doing that because it takes too much time. And I made a bet with my project manager that whoever didn’t write their blog by Friday at 1159 owed the other person 25 bucks. So I have given myself an hour to write this first entry. I apologize in advance for any lack of clarity and correct grammar or punctuation. Like I said very little time to write and edit it and as I seem to have gotten my fingers to start typing it out onto the page, I can actually start writing my blog.

Which is about this documentary I started working on over the summer. In a nutshell I had an idea for something I really wanted. Forced myself to brainstorm about it in every direction then put it into an order and an outline. Which, the outline is an excellent source to force your ideas into an order. I don’t know if I’m the only one who is lacking clear ideas on ways to organize each part of your life. I mean I am seemingly just now, at age 36 almost 37, beginning to see the benefits of having self structure. I haven’t been working at a job in a company for almost a year. It’s taken me a very long time to get my head back in the game in a very different capacity. I have always relied on structure coming from the outside, subconsciously, and not really built it for myself. So now I am learning how to get what I want out of life, I need to be steering the boat. So many opportunities are thrust upon you that you just go with what’s presented. And now I feel like I have had the time to figure out what I really want to work toward for the next couple years and I am learning how to put the steps in place. And the truth is Marina, my project manager who I have the $25 bet with, (yes I know with whom…) has been a major part of that. Before we met I had already started to get a lot of that work done and became aware of the need for structure on my own. (Actually it was an inadvertent result of an honest conversation with my good friends Radhika and Holly). Either way she’s been able to accelerate this process of articulating and achieving goals for me in such a huge way. (I think I get a pr fee…)

So the documentary of this journey, ew how many times is that word written in blogland? How cliché of me. Well. The story goes like this. I was sitting on my couch watching Bonnie Hunt and I had watched Ellen or Oprah or Regis and probably all of them in a row. And a six year old is on the show and telling his story of how he’s going to figure out what to be when he grows up. He is going to work for a day or an hour at a different job every day or something like that. And today he is going to learn about television. He did all these different jobs and they took him thru each one. It dawns on me how envious I am of this kid. He gets to go try out all these different jobs. And I decided in that moment that that’s what I want to do and that it would be a really interesting process to film. And as I started to think about it I found myself creating all these reasons why I couldn’t do it. I don’t have a film camera, I don’t have decent sound equipment. And then in a very unlike me of late fashion, I solved each problem. Just start. I just kept hearing it in my head. Just start, it will figure itself out. There isn’t a big investment. Grab a tape recorder and call someone you know tell them about the project and ask for an interview. So I just started. And the first interview I did was with Barbara Nitke, a very cool chick and amazing photographer. She’d always been very helpful in the past and I thought well her life seems pretty great. I don’t know anything about her financial status, and I didn’t ask, but she’s what I would say is successful. She’s doing what she loves and getting paid for it. So I interviewed her and it was very inspiring because when you share a love of something like photography, I find it very hard for a lengthy conversation to NOT turn very inspiring, at least for me. I find it always helps ground me to talk to other photographers. I think I have the impression that it isn’t a stable profession or a lucrative profession. And I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I think you can be as successful as you want to be at anything. I believe it’s how seriously you are taking it and whether you’re good at what it is you love.

Well I digress. My interview with Barb lead me to just start setting up the meetings with different people. In my gut I felt very uneasy because I wanted to be taken seriously, but at the same time I had a lot of questions that could be called “dumb”. Unless I really did a lot of research on each person I would naturally ask questions that were pretty basic. And I decided that is the point. That I would ask people the basic questions about the constructs of their job. What do you do?- on a micro level. But as I started talking to people it expanded to include great pieces of advice and conversations about what and when were the times in your life that really shaped who you are today. Where do your expectations for success come from. All these questions that I somehow hoped would help me figure out what to do next.

So my gut was uneasy and I just convinced myself I would be prepared enough, just keep going, don’t stop, keep asking. So I set up these appointments and had created this outline which contained everything that had been happening. To clarify that, I brainstormed about ways to get this project done, like a lot of stuff came out, and I put it into this outline and I refer to it every now and again when I get someone new on board. But what I am saying is I don’t consciously remember everything and all the steps that are on that outline, but they are happening on their own without me consciously saying this person is a producer, interview him so you can lure (different word than lure) him into producing your project. But I had thought about that on my outline as a way to get people interested and have them learn about what I do and how I do it on from the inside out. I guess I was creating kind of an inverted interview for myself.

So in the process of making this film, or television series, or HBO special, I am thinking big, I would learn a lot and possibly come away with a television series or something like that.

Okay I have 16 minutes left to write this blog. I had started this by saying I would leave in the flaws because time was short. But really on a very small level I think maybe someone will read this and think oh dear lord this woman is dyslexic or has some sort of neurological disorder that makes her think in such a circuitous and tangential matter. And because this project I hope will reveal what the basic skills are that just about everybody really needs to know how to function within themselves, like if your were the head of your own corporation of your body and mind and soul. When I interviewed my sister she described what roles she tends to go after and how she processes information. I better understand how she ticks and am really appreciating her more objectively, the way I would be with a friend versus tolerating her quirks that may have been annoying (I can’t even think of one to tell you how I feel.) Not that I was tolerating anything, my sister is awesome, but there were some years there I think we hated each other. But I think it’s a function of not really living in close proximity for so many years. How often do we get to just chill out and share deep dark secrets. That’s not the relationship I have with my sisters. And on the one hand it makes me sad, because it is the kind of relationship I would like to have with them. We don’t ask each other a lot of questions, or at least they don’t ask me a lot of personal questions. I would never ask them—8 minutes left. Off track again. Hold on……….Right point of not editing, so reasons so far: 1. No time. 2. I may have a neurological disorder 3. Reflects the theme of showing the process in everyway.

I know it seems obvious, but it never occurred to me that the way people process information may influence the type of work they’re interested in.

1 minute left! Ahhh. I did get a phone call in the middle of this about selling the couch, it was a friend of Marina’s Ah sabotage! Ok 5 more minutes to run spell check.

I promise these will make more sense in the future. I’m just starting. I’m not worrying about being perfect. I’m taking away an excuse to just start.


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